I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
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I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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