Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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