I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
