You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i think my cat just said my name.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
