he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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