Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
