Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
