I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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