the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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