look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
