Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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