I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
