just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
