I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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