JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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