I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
