look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
