While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Found your dick twin last night
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
