i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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