Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
