Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
