Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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