mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
