I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
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