i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
do nipples grow back?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
