his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You made out with two different species that night
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
