I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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