It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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