awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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