I haven't been this sober since birth.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
