My underwear smells like fireworks.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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