The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
