Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
