I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
