Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
