Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
