feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
