Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
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You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
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I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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