i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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