I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
