So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
