Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
be right there i have to get my cape
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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