dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
