If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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