You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
