I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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