Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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