matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
