New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
