No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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