Already got asked if we're dating
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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