I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
