Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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