she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
