this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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