So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
