OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
