I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
