i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
