Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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