Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's blow job season.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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