I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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