I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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